


bits and pieces of a broken family

by thisisgermy



Series: whaat huuuuh [5]
Category: Half-Life
Genre: American Sign Language, Blood, Brainwashing, Canon-Typical Violence, Changing POV's, Dialogue Heavy, Drabble Collection, Gen, Heavy Themes, Pre-Canon, Selectively Mute Gordon Freeman, Spoilers, lazy stories, mention of Dr. Magnusson, mention of Otis Laurey, mention of The G-Man, mention of stalkers, mentions of striders, now with an added timeline! pog, selectively mute Adrian Shephard, selectively mute Barney Calhoun, tags to be added in the notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26343721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisgermy/pseuds/thisisgermy
Summary: half started, half finished Half Life stuff I've done, all to be dumped here so I don't spam the tag.1: twenty years is a lot of missed moons.2: Combine Barney ideas.3: Barney reports in for the day.4: we're not real doctors, but we can try!5: learning ASL for your deaf crush.6: talk about work place drama!7: Gordon is easily smitten.8: Lamarr wasn't the first domesticated Headcrab.9: two Spies; one heard, one ignored.10: two guys involuntarily share a void train.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun & Alyx Vance, Barney Calhoun & Eli Vance, Gordon Freeman & Alyx Vance, Isaac Kleiner & Alyx Vance
Series: whaat huuuuh [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905175
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	1. he's more blue moon than full

**Author's Note:**

> I write shit over a few months. I look back at that shit to heavily edit. I go awooga and hit post  
> this will be a whole host of things; barely au's, mostly headcanon's, sometimes taking place either pre canon or during/just before canon, with all kinds of different tones. I dunno how many chapters there's gonna be, but these aren't to be taken seriously! they were just done as either practise or half formulated ideas that I'd wanted to jot down, so they're all gonna be dumped here  
> thank y'all for reading, and have a nice night!  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 16/7/2020  
> mentions of blood and bullet wounds, and an angry, bitter Barney

'are you hurt?' his signs are quick, face contorted in concern as he watches Barney try and fail to hide his pain.

'no.' he can tell that Barney's lying.

'Banrey. are you hurt.' he's frowning now, hands moving faster, gaze scanning Barney's figure for where the wound could be. from the way Barney favours his left side more than his right, he takes the guess that that's where the wound resides. there's a scowl on Barney's face now, which has nothing to do with his injury, though it does little to deter him.

' _no_ , Doc, can we get a move on-'

'please do not lie to me-'

'you have got _no_ right.' he recoils away. that has him shocked. he's never heard Barney snarl like that before - better yet, he's never heard Barney ever snarl at _him_. Barney's scowl grows deeper, pupils lit with a vex aimed squarely at him, but just as quickly, it gives way to exhaustion, and after a brief lapse of silence, Barney does a heavy little sigh. Barney glares down at the floor, brows knit in an emotion he can't rightly place. 'I'm. I'm fine, Gordon, I just- ... look, if it ain't from a Gunship or a Strider, then it ain't a big deal, yeah? I'll live; we've got more important stuff to deal with right now.' why would a bullet wound _not_ be important? he can see a shiny stream of blood run from under Barney's hand, pressed tightly to his right thigh in the hopes it'll stop. the red runs deep into the fabric; its obviously been bleeding for a long while. he feels pretty bad that he hadn't taken proper notice of it before.

when he doesn't sign anything to that, Barney moves to stand, a stagger in his steps that causes him to step forward and grab Barney's upper arm. he feels Barney go stiff as a board under his hands, prepared for an attack; its almost like Barney's expecting him to throw him clear over the wall or snap his neck or something. Barney keeps his hand firmly pressed over the wound, trying his hardest not to wince as he's stabilised, and all he can think about is how they should be getting the bullet out and stopping the flow of blood, where the med-kits are, how they should be getting to better cover- 

'hey, could you let go of me now?' it's both light hearted and serious in one breath, and it's so jarring that he lets go and takes a broad step back. at that, Barney finally seems to uncoil, and he takes a moment to compose himself before speaking again. whatever Barney says is lost to him; it's lost over the roar of static in his ears, a million thoughts swirling around his brain that he can barely keep up with. Barney's not even looking him in the eye when he talks, instead focusing on the spot between his nose. 

is Barney afraid of him? is that whats wrong? why would Barney be afraid of him? or is it something else? he seemed mighty annoyed that he'd wanted to help, that he was concerned over him, but why _would_ he be annoyed? how could he make it up to Barney - prove to him that he can be trusted, that he's got nothing to fear? ... or is it because he was gone for a week? again. he'd disappeared _again_. that wasn't his fault, but his mind still turns it over. because, yeah, of _course_ Barney wouldn't want his help again, or get attached again, when he could very easily disappear for another indeterminable amount of time. maybe Barney knows it wasn't his fault, that he hadn't wanted to disappear, but the human brain is complicated and awkward, and stretched emotions don't make much sense even in the best of times. the thoughts hit him clearly, smack bang in the heart. suddenly it makes aching sense as to why Barney wouldn't want his help nor his concern. 

'-don? Gordon? uh, hey? earth to Gordon? you in there Doc?' he blinks to see a hand being waved in front of him, a wince on Barney's face that's quickly replaced for a lazy half smile. he nods, because what else can he do? he'd figured it out - he knows signals when he see's them, and Barney is letting off all sorts of signals, and if he ignored them for his own personal gain, then what kind of friend was he?

acquaintance. twenty years plus one week is a long time. he hadn't been there for any of those new moons. they barely know each other now. this Barney is not the same one from Black Mesa, and that breaks his soul something awful. just knowing that, for right now, he can't make it up to him, has him in a much worse place than before.

'alright, well, lets get a move on then, yeah? we ain't got all day.' Barney starts to move, pain in his every motion, and instead of rushing to help, he stays put. before he knows it, they're walking out of the tarnished building and further into open air, very uncomfortably exposed. Barney's limping, face pale, a cold sweat on his brow, but he does not complain. he simply holds his side and powers forward, his Pulse Rifle at the ready in his other grip in practised ease.

and he says nothing about it, because it is not his place to speak.


	2. have you seen my brain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 14/7/2020  
> major spoilers for Half Life 2/very heavy themes of brainwashing/mentions of violence  
> these are formulated ideas that I'd wanted to write out but never got the energy for, so here's the scraps! I'm not in a big discord server, and this has probably been done to hell and back, but it was fun to brainstorm these up regardless, even if it never actually saw any light

overview:

-Alyx and Gordon are gone for a week (when they teleport from the Citadel to Issac's lab). on the first day of their disappearance, Barney kick starts the revolution against the Combine with the Resistance out of frustration, but is actually surprised with how far they get

  
-he gets taken on the fifth day of the week and is brainwashed (this leaves two more days before Gordon and Alyx return), and no one notices. his memories are (almost) wiped clean, and he is told to act like normal until Gordon comes back/he finds Gordon. no one seems to notice what is exactly wrong with him, but they can tell that _something_ is off. once word gets around that Gordon's back, he is to wait on a roof where Snipers are perched, tell people he's pinned and to find cover, and then, he's to wait for Gordon to show, down him, and hold him up for the Snipers to finish off. this all takes place in the same spot as the game

-they brainwash away his memories (although not entirely), and tell him that Gordon and everyone else that helps him are threats to humanity and their good cause. they send him undercover in the barracks of the civilian and Resistance members, where he's to get as much information from them as possible about upcoming attacks and plans that he's to relay back to the Combine. he never gets the chance to relay anything

-he's told _not_ to go to Issac's lab under _any_ circumstances. the reason for this is unknown; maybe they fear Issac could've reverted the wash or something?

conflict:

-when the group arrives at Barney's position, Barney gets agitated when Alyx and D0G stay put after telling them multiple times to find more supplies. he waves his arm and suddenly the Snipers lines of sight quickly take aim at Alyx and D0G, which forces them to get behind cover, away from where Barney and Gordon are stood. Gordon doesn't get a chance to react before Barney attacks him

  
-Barney full bodily throws his Pulse Rifle at Gordon, which hits him in the chest as a distraction, and then launches for Gordon, tackling and pinning him to the ground, but his back is to the Snipers rifles, which are all pointed at his back. Gordon doesn't fight him off, Alyx yelling at Barney to snap out of it, and eventually D0G grabs a big rock and uses it as makeshift cover so they can get to them safely. the Snipers start shooting just as D0G puts the rock in place, their shots just grazing Barney

-Alyx pulls Barney off Gordon, who's strangling him at that point, and she pushes him into D0G who bear hugs Barney against him. Gordon lays in shock and catches his breath while Barney screams about this and that - 'you're traitors, you're scum of the earth, how dare you try and defeat the Combine, you're gonna die here, you never should have come back, we'll all kill you and make you pay'. the Snipers continue to shoot at the rock. it is all very hectic and loud and uncomfortable

-Alyx is the one that throws the grenades and blows up the Sniper nests, since Gordon is so out of it. Barney screams about that as well, until his voice is rubbed raw

-they don't know what to do - nothing they say or do can get Barney to snap back to himself. he doesn't know who they are apart from immediate threats, he doesn't remember who he was and what he was doing before, and there's no time to take him back to Issac's, not with the revolution kicked off and a Citadel to infiltrate and Combine Soldiers and Striders on the constant push. all they can do is sit on the roof with a constrained Barney and try and talk some sense into him

change in canon story to AU:

-in the games chapter, Barney calls Issac to inform him of his progress, D0G gets carried off by a gunship, and Alyx climbs a roof and gets abducted by Combine. maybe change it so none of those things happen and they stick by Gordon until they reach Barney; so Barney doesn't call up Issac, D0G doesn't jump on the aircraft because it's too high up for him to reach, and Alyx kills all the Combine on the roof herself so she isn't taken and climbs back down to Gordon. they then pair up with a group of civilians where they first hear that Barney is pinned. I don't remember what happens to the civilians - if they stay behind, go with Gordon, or are killed - I'll have to replay that chapter to remember (update 5/9/2020: I still haven't replayed that chapter dfghsdfgh)

Gordon:

-notices something is wrong pretty much as soon as he see's Barney - Barney calls him Freeman, is stiff and robotic towards him, is standing out in the open when Gordon suspects there's Snipers in the buildings across the street from his cover. why would Barney not be ducking? why does he look so off?

-is in tears when he see's/figures out Barneys state, even when he grows exhausted from Barney's constant thrashing/Barney choking him out. he let's Barney do it because he's so heart broken about what has happened once he figures it out that, for the first few minutes, he's physically incapable of moving. he tries to sign things to him once Barney's off him, but Barney doesn't understand what he's signing. even when Alyx relays it to Barney, it doesn't stop his thrashes. he keeps signing in the hopes it will help Barney remember something

-absolutely furious at what the Combine have done. he's so angry, he does't think straight, which means he charges into enemy fire more recklessly when before he took on a more calculated approach. he triggers a lot more Hopper Mines than he used to, and lets more swings from Zombine and Headcrab's get in, which administrates more morphine shots. the hits and shots only aid in his frustration and anger and recklessness

-does everything he can to help jog Barneys memory. Barney hasn't completely forgotten, it's just locked away, and Gordon does every single thing he can think of to try and kick start it back up. signing, tapping out his favourite songs, writing him questions about his hobbies and activities. he asks if he remembers Black Mesa, the Chumtoad, the vent races, all the people they spoke ill of back at Black Mesa; he talks about Issac and Eli and Lamarr, about their old room at Black Mesa, the work the other scientists would force them to do. Barney only stares through him and promises that he's going to make his life hell. it makes him very sad

  
Alyx:

-Alyx notices something is wrong too, in the way he moves and talks and carries his gun, and how Barney tries to get her and D0G to go somewhere else in the name of supplies while asking Gordon to stay with him. not to check on citizens, but to get supplies. Barney does not tell them about the Snipers in the building behind him himself, even though they already know and have heard from civilians that he's "pinned down" and "needs help", so him standing out in the open is a dead giveaway that somethings a bit strange

-is just as furious as Gordon, if not more so - first Eli is taken away, and now Barney. her Father and big brother(?) are gone, and a week wasted of them in limbo leads her feeling broken and hopeless, but she's powered with a burning, angry spite to get Barney back to normal and then blow up the Citadel while also planting a bullet in Dr Breen's head

-she tries to help jog Barney's memory by asking him questions of their life together - of drawings, target practise, self defence, all the different names she’d given the Zombies and Headcrab's, all the puns he'd taught her. it breaks her heart every time Barney responds with a blank stare or a harsh sneer

-she is an anchor for Gordon, helping him see straight when he is seeing too much red. when they're not tending to Barney, they tend to each other, in her teaching him about electronics and the more complex screws in D0G and the gravity gun, in him telling her old stories she's heard from Barney's POV. they learn more about each others lives, about the new and old world, about each other. it makes for good enough distractions

  
D0G:

-D0G senses something is wrong, since Barney barely interacts with him nor Alyx, souly set on Gordon. he's not as warm, or friendly. he doesn't respond to any of D0Gs chirps for affection before he realises. he nudges Alyx' shoulder and she nods back in understanding

-he tries to engage with Barney, since Barney always talked to D0G, but Barney doesn't even acknowledge him. he ignores every one of D0Gs attempts of pets and nuzzles, and he vocally whines when Barney asks how it feels to be created by a traitor

-is an anchor for both Gordon and Alyx. he sets the tone for when enough is enough, when they should get their rest, or take a break, or eat. sometimes he has to push them out of the room Barney's in with force because they're too glued to Barney's side to move

-is happy to be there but sad at the situation

  
Issac:

-is sympathetic to a fault - Eli is still missing and a war is raging without their makeshift leaders and saviours leading them on. not for the first time, he advises that maybe they leave Barney to the Vortigornts to take care of and charge ahead to help the civilians speed up the process. each time he suggests it, he's met with heavy rebuttal

-Alyx and Gordon patch in to a call with Issac via hacking old technology in where they're holed up. Barney does not know who Issac is at all, and it breaks Issac's entire soul, though he doesn't show or admit it. unlike Gordon and Alyx, who he seems to have a very vague recollection of, Issac is an audible blankness. Lamarr, too, he doesn't know. he only see's her as as big a threat as Gordon and Alyx

-he talks about the same things Gordon did - vent races, him being locked out of his room, Black Mesa. about how he'd helped Issac and their group of survivors find a foot hole when leaving City 2, how he'd survived two Headcrab encounters, how he'd taught Alyx her first swear word. Barney doesn't react to any of it, only sneering his distaste for talking to an ex Mesa 

-at one point, Barney asks him how it feels to have helped start a Resonance Cascade. 'how can you sleep at night, knowing you helped shape this place to begin with, and now you're trying to make amends? this is your fault, and you're trying to play saviour.' Issac can't find any reply to that

civilians:

-word catches on fast around them. because of this, some loose all hope of ever fighting back and taking down the Citadel, while others don't seem to care and want to make the push

-some ask how they can help, others berate and mock, some are too depressed to care, and some don't care about Barney at all and want Gordon and Alyx to hurry up and lead them on

where Barney is taken and what they do next:

-maybe they carry him off to a secluded room - bash open a Combine lock on a hotel door and camp out in there while the war rages on outside. it’s pretty cramped, and often times they have to tie Barney's hands down to a chair or a table so he doesn't literally break out the window or try and fight/kill them. the walk there isn't exactly pleasant, since Barneys cursing and wiggling the entire trip, and has made multiple attempts to try and bash their heads in since being in the room. this needs more thought as this is the most important part

-this is how the news spreads around the civilians about Barney, because they see D0G carry a thrashing, cursing Barney away from the scene instead of toward it. they read between the lines and rumours quickly spread. they don't actually know whats wrong with Barney, but they know it's something really, _Really_ Bad. most keep to themselves, but some try to listen in through the door. they don't much like what they hear in return

-maybe it takes like, a week to snap Barney from it. the Combine only zapped him with three weeks worth of head juice (it didn't get rid of his memories, only pushed them away enough so they'd be much, much harder to remember. I doubt that's how that works but it's Combine science) since they were gonna kill him off soon if Gordon didn't come back after three weeks. even though it’s very resilient to memories being unlocked, perhaps it doesn't last too long? maybe all the pestering Gordon and Alyx do makes his memories be unlocked quicker. this also needs more thought put into it

-Gordon and Alyx still leave to try and advance on the Combine and enter the Citadel, but without Barney, they don't gain much progress, since they need the codes to the door, and only Barney has the clearance for it. them leaving to kill Combine cops is more of a stress relief than an actual push. both Gordon and Alyx take turns, someone always staying back to watch Barney and D0G. D0G always, no matter what, stays with Barney, only leaving if absolutely necessary

-they talk frequently with Issac and how he can help with Barney's situation and what he can do. not much comes back other than to ‘keep trying’. Issac's lab is too far out to transport Barney too, and Issac can't come to them safely because of the Combine/the work he needs to do at his lab

Barney before the brainwash:

-he had been scouting for Hopper Mines and Gunships. he hadn't been alone, two other people with him. the two people were Sniped clean, and he was stunsticked to unconsciousness by cops he didn't even know could be stealthy

-he's dragged to an interrogation room (the same room he freed Gordon in, out of spite) where the deed is done. he fights the moment he wakes up, but it's all fruitless. he is awake for it, and he feels all of it. it is very close to what he thinks death feels like. from all the gadgets that get drilled into his head, what remains of that event are three very small pin-prick indents on the left side of his temple, right above his scar, that are very easily miss-able if you don't know to look for them. this is something Alyx notices on the third day of his rescue that further proves he was brainwashed

-it will not go into detail about what happens before and during the brainwash physically - the bottom line is that he's tied to a chair and implanted with Combine machinery, mocked and belittled, and hit around a bit. not described in full, but hinted. it will change to a first person POV pretty much after a single paragraph

-however, it _would_ go into detail mentally - he feels everything fade away in his head. it feels like water is in his brain. his real memories are replaced for fake ones; fake ideas and beliefs, who to like and hate, who to spare and kill. lies and truths are swapped. internally he's screaming, begging, scrambling to fight back, to try and beat out the machines, but it's all to no avail. Combine machinery is not kind, and it is efficient. it is how they recruit their Overwatch

-the scene goes into him loosing his memories bit by bit, him being confused and dazed and falling deeper into himself. it would be described in first person, and it’s very quickly paced, from the second he's awake and strapped to the chair to when it's all done. maybe it could go into detail about how he see's himself at the bottom of his soul kinda? he can watch himself act, but he can't take back the act. he's stuck inside of himself, and he can see everything happen through his eyes, but he can't stop it

-they release him from the chair and give him strict orders and instructions straight away that he follows to the dot, because he does not know any better. he is a mindless drone within a hornets nest, given a mission that no other Combine cop has ever had before. he doesn't question why he's picked, or why Gordon would trust him the most out of everyone else to begin with, he just does it

-every single cop knows about this. they did this to hurt and to be efficient. they delight in things like this. they take bets on who will kill who first - Gordon wins? Barney wins? Combine Snipers win? their prize for Gordon's death is who gets to take the shot at Barney, and vice versa should Gordon win

aftermath:

-in full, it takes about a week of locking Barney in a hotel room and force feeding him things from his past via stories, words, and actions, before he remembers. some days are rough, others rougher. the civilians never know the full story, only catching and hearing glimpses, since they never tell them in full. Gordon, Alyx, D0G, and Issac try their hardest to be kind but stern 

-the day Barney remembers is very anti-climatic - he wakes up one day and just knows everyone, what he was doing before he got abducted, where his morals lay. he's confused, mostly, about where Gordon and Alyx had come from, or why D0Gs there too, and why he's tied to a table inside of a hotel room

-all three of them give him the most crushing hug he's ever had, practically in tears. Issac sighs his relief about his wellness. the situation is explained to him, and he says sorry, and they tell him to stop being dumb, and then they get suited up and charge right back into the fray with ten times as much anger and determination in their steps than before

and that's that. pog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: I probably have over 10 unfinished fics in this folder, and this is the fourth one to actually be named something other than a keysmash. I live a hellish life that I have done to myself


	3. report no. 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 31/8/2020  
> I think the only warning in this one is the mention of a Stalkers being? like y'know, intestines n shit. nothing graphic or anything, just mentioned. also heavy as shit  
> 

Barney was never late. at the exact same time on the exact same day, Barney would show up at Eli's lab at least once every two weeks to fill them in on the Combine's activity's; on their movements and advancements and creations, so they could brainstorm up defences for the Resistance. but this time, Barney hadn't arrived until 5AM, ten full hours later than usual. it's Alyx that greets him first, since she's the only one up and about topside, and she crashes into Barney with the energy of a tank. even with how tiny she is, it almost knocks him clean to the ground, but somehow, Barney finds the strength to keep them both upright, even though he's visibly exhausted. he doesn't return the embrace with the same vigour as Alyx, but still embraces her anyway.

'where the hell have you been?!' Alyx all but demands, her voice muffled from her nose being squashed in Barney's mid section. she isn't as tall as him yet, but Barney knows she'll outgrow him by a good few inches in the coming years. he pats Alyx' back lazily. 

'something came up.' he responds. he's tense - not exactly lying, but not telling the whole truth either. 'had to stay behind for something. sorry I couldn't radio in a warning, it was ah, rather unexpected, even to me.' Alyx hums, and tightens her grip around him. something within Barney's heart considerably lightens. _I still have a soul left? that's good to know_ , he idly thinks.

'... well, I'm glad you're alright.' she feels him sag into her slightly with a heavy sigh, accepting just a tiny fraction of her comfort. 

'yeah, me too, bud.' 

the usual routine was that Barney would head for the elevator while Alyx strayed off to the junkyard, but since it's so late, Alyx instead decides to make her way back to her room. she lingers at the elevator door, constantly asking if Barney really is okay, a back-and-forth with the same question and answer, until he punches in Eli's number after her sixth repeat and is sent rumbling down. they call their goodnight's to each other over the roar of metal.

Eli's hunched over his desk when he squeals to a stop, yet he's instantly up and at the door to listen to whatever Barney has to say. the second he steps out, he wastes no time in getting into the gritty details, not bothering with small talk.

'they sent a group of us to the Citadel.'

'they _what_?!' right off the bat, Eli's jaw drops, gobsmacked, and really, who can blame him. 'they- I- what- they sent you to the Citadel?! to _him_?!'

'in a meeting, 's why I'm so late. bastards didn't even give us a damn warning.'

'a meeting?! what the hell for?!'

'about the localisation of Striders and Stalkers.'

'and what the hell are those?!'

'weapons and mutations.' 

Eli pinches the bridge of his nose, hard enough to cause stars to explode across his vision. he stands still and lets the new information ruminate in his mind, and then he sighs out his anxiety and stress. he takes a few seconds to compose himself and sort through his words.

'what exactly are we gonna be dealing with?' from his back pocket, Barney produces a sticky notepad, covered in scribbles and diagrams. Eli gently takes it from him and scans over the pages; at the round, sharp, bug-like creatures, to the humanoid, peg-legged anomaly's, drawn with a rough, unprofessional shakiness, obviously all done in a rush. words such as "similar" and "priority", with arrows pointing at the Stalkers legs and Striders weapons, mark the top page, with other additional notes scrawled on the second page; names, sizes, weapon names, numbers. Eli feels his leg bite with sudden phantom pain, a faint sting to the gears whirring in his head.

'Nova Prospect is where those trains lead. they call 'em "Razor trains".' Barney doesn't look at him, can't look at him. his hands are clenched so tight, his gloves squeak with the strain. 'all them people that'er in the wrong place at the wrong time or don't listen to what Breen says get-' he stops himself, and Eli glances up to see him squeezing his eyes tightly shut. '... they go to Nova, and they get turned into those _things_ , and there's nothing left. _nothin_ ' left of them. they ain't _human_ anymore Eli, they-' he stops himself again, and Eli spots tears track down his cheeks. he'd somehow managed to hold it back until that one moment, when it's finally allowed to hit him. 'I saw it all, they were just- they were shamblin' about like zombies, takin' orders without question. they weren't human anymore. and the Combine bastards stood there, and they pointed at them, and they _laughed_.'

finally, he unclenches a fist and moves it to run it through his hair. when he looks at Eli, his eyes are red and puffy, and there's a fire ignited deep in his glare that makes Eli internally flinch backwards. it had been a long time since he'd seen that rage.

'he called 'em "Stalkers". laughed when they couldn't remember who they were. they'd removed their everything - hands, legs, brain, intestines, everything, replaced 'em for metal, said they were being fed only the basics of nutrients through a tube in their arm - and Breen told us in great detail what would happen to us if we were to go against his orders. I dunno how, but their peg-legs look a lot like yours, and from the sounds of it, they're still alive if they're still feedin' em food.' something jolts within Eli's chest. a brow twitches on Barney's face. 'so-so all this time, I've been sending the people I couldn't help off on that train, to that place, to be made into those _things_ , just so they can mindlessly work over at the Citadel. they're nothing but _tools_. I've been sending people over there to be made into _tools_.'

and really, what can Eli say back to that? he can't offer comfort, he can't promise that it's all for the greater good, and he sure as shit can't try to reassure Barney that it's not his fault, half of those Stalkers aren't his fault, because they both know it is, even if it never was intentional. he clutches the sticky notepad in a death grip to keep his emotions from showing too much, even though he knows that right now, Barney can't see that well anyway. there's silence, heavy and haunting with the information, before Barney continues his report.

'Striders are big fuck off bug things.' he spits out next, eyes glassy and full of anger. 'got a big gun on their bottom and a big gun on their top. tall as shit with nasty ass legs and a mean bark. they didn't tell us much about 'em other than show them to us; said they're still a work in progress, but I know they ain't gonna be pretty. Stalkers are local to the Cit, but I get the feeling that them Striders are gonna be a local problem; first everywhere else, and then here.'

'... thank you, Barney.' Eli refuses to meet him. he nods down at the pad, and taps the top once, the notes taunting him. '... thank you. I know you don't wanna do this, but this is vital information, and.' and. 'and I'm proud of you.'

'you shouldn't be.' 

'but I am.' Barney makes a quiet, strangled kind of noise at that, but doesn't add anything else. they still don't look at each other. 'this is vital. I knew those trains were no good, and neither was Nova, but that's.' he shakes his head and wills his own tears not to fall.

'you shoulda heard him.' Barney's rage is smouldering, growing by the second even with the exhaustion nagging deep within his bones. 'he sounded so _proud_ of 'em. so proud to reduce a human being down to nothing, like they're a blank canvas or some romantic bullshit. he had the gall, the fucking _balls_ , to say "humanity" when he pointed at them, when they were doing tasks the Combine are too _fucking_ lazy to do themselves. and whats all this for, Eli? what the _fuck_ is all of that power for? whats the big pay off with all of this? why's he gotta wrap everyone else up in his shit?'

'we'll stop him, Barney, mark my words-'

'yeah? **when**.' it's hateful. spiteful. tired. desperate of wanting change. it's enough to finally encourage Eli to look. he knows none of it is directed at him; frustration does that to a person, but by God, it hurts him something terrible to see. 'when are we gonna march up there and take back whats ours, Eli? it's already been close to ten years; how many more people do we gotta sacrifice before we make a move?'

'when we're _ready_. you wanna risk all this now? all this hard work and patience? risk it all over rushed advances, and miss the shot, and then get dragged down into that shit and be put in a worse off place than now? put all that work towards nothing? if you wanna get fucked over six ways from Sunday, then that's a sure fire way to do it, son.' Barney knows all of that, if his pinched brows and downcast expression are anything to go by. Eli can't exactly find it in himself to blame his impatience. he sets the sticky notepad down on his desk and moves to stand in front of Barney, and he takes his hands into his with a gentleness none of them have experienced since the Cascade.

'we're gonna get outta this, Barney, but it's gonna take time. we're gettin' closer to the teleporters mechanics, we've got more and more people in the Resistance, and we're getting more and more supplies snatched off them Combine's for our own uses, but this shit takes _time_.'

'I dunno how much time I got left, Eli.' the anger, the hatred, it's all gone, and all Barney is left with is a husk of depression and guilt. the channel ran so deep that not even Eli could pull him out of the bogging swamp, but he never had been one to back down from an impossible task. Eli squeezes Barney's hands, the leather groaning under the soft pressure.

'now I ain't gonna stand here and tell you it's all peaches and roses, 'cause it ain't. I ain't gonna tell you it's gonna get better neither, 'cause hell, even _I_ don't know if it is at this point, but all this bad shit? it ain't gonna stay like that forever. one day, it's gonna end, Barney, and by God, we are gonna see that day in our lifetime. we just gotta buck down, and make sure that day comes faster.' he squeezes Barney's hands again, and they both don't mention how they're crying, mourning over lost lives and lost time and lost loves. 'I know it's not easy, and I'm sure it ain't easy being in there, watching it all first hand, but I'm proud of you. I am _so_ damn proud of you, Barney. you're doing good work out there. you're helping us speed up the arrival of that good day.'

'it sure don't feel like it.'

'phaa, it never does. you worked at Black Mesa didn't you?' it doesn't earn him a smile, nor a laugh, but the sentiment is still there. 

nothing much is said after that. they allow themselves time to gather their thoughts and cry their sorrows, in the quiet, dull room of the lab, hands still held in hands. it's not until five minutes later that Barney sniffles and makes a move to pull his hands out of Eli's. he takes a shaky step back, making another futile effort to clean his face. he sighs, takes another second, and then looks Eli in the eye, his depression and fatigue clear.

'I dunno about you Doc, but I'm bushed.' 

'I feel you; I've been at these tests too long.' the both of them head for the elevator together, and they ride up to topside. 'I'll schedule a meeting today, so this gets passed around.' Barney does one single nod, and the rest of their ride is in silence, the loud creeks and groans of the elevator their only ambience. once it stops and the door rattles open, they say their goodnight's and part ways. 

they only manage to catch a meek one hours worth of sleep before they're up for another round of work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since this is the first time I properly introduce the timeline, here's a more cohesive post that explains the Cities timelines better: https://germs-bitsandbobs.tumblr.com/post/629946826555031552/the-timeline-for-bapoabf-because-im-stupid-and  
> this would have happened in City 16. they would have stayed there a year before finding out


	4. did someone press E?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 4/9/2020  
> no real warnings in this one. also wow wops 4 things in a single day? sorry y'all ghvgvhdsfjk

'-on! Gordon! o-okay, great, your eyes are open, can you hear me??? ... t-that's not good, um, just, just wait a sec, okay? we're-I'm- D0G- D0G, find a med station or, or a med-kit, anything, literally anything just, just find something medical and bring it back here-' you hear the thunder of footsteps over the thunder of your head race away from you. your everything hurts in an ache that's never been this bad before, not even back at Black Mesa. your bloods on fire, your bones scream in protest, your body feels like its been pounded by at least two fork lifts and one fire truck. you can't see anything - you're not sure if your eyes are open, if your glasses are off, if you've gone blind-

'Gordon- Gordon, don't worry, D0G isn't gonna take long, you just gotta stay awake for me, okay? you gotta- you gotta stay awake. Gordon, please, open your eyes.' stay awake? but you're so tired. it hits you, so suddenly - it would be very easy to slip off into a nap. five minutes wouldn't hurt. geez, what is that _noise_? why is it so loud? how rude - you're trying to sleep here. 'Gordon, come on, please stay with me.' she sounds sad. why does she sound so sad? you were only trying to nap. why does your body hurt so much? what happened? is something exploding? your hearing stumbles in and out of white noise and a dull ring, her voice muffling in and out of existence. it almost feels like you're under water. you wheeze in a breath and conclude that, no, you're not under water, but the air sure is thick with smoke.

not a second later, the thunderous, metallic set of footsteps clang towards you, so startling it dissipates your exhaustion into alertness, and that shift hurts more than anything. good God, what had you done?

'thank you D0G, thank you- Gordon this is gonna sting like a motherfucker, okay?' she says it in a rush, and then there's something touching your right side, and- oh, _fuck_ , yeah, that fucking _stings_ alright. it spreads like a wildfire, from your right side, down your thigh, up your side and into your shoulder, a searing white exploding behind your eyes, and you whimper, trying to arch away from the touch, but it follows you and keeps going and going and going. 'I'm sorry,' you think you hear over the blood rushing in your ears, but you're not entirely sure. you just want the pain to end. 

it does, eventually. you're more exhausted by the time it ends than you had been before. Alyx is talking and D0G is chirping, but it all swirls into an incomprehensible garble of static, so you don't bother trying to follow along. everything still hurts, but not half as bad as before. whatever D0G had found helps you ten fold, because it takes mere seconds for the burns to squash into an uncomfortable bite, and then into a tolerable numbness. finally, you open your eyes and see a sky full of swirling smoke and weird portal energy, and a worried sick Alyx staring down at you. she sags so far forward she runs the risk of falling on top of you, but instead, she throws her arms around your shoulders and pulls you up into a soft, tight hug. she's warm. the hug instantly heals your heart. D0G, too, stares down at you, his flower-petal face plates happily flapping when he see's you're alright. he wiggles on the spot and makes all kinds of joyful little chirps, thumping the ground with excitement. the noises don't help your migraine much, but at least he's happy.

'Jesus Gordon, you really scared me for a sec, I thought you-' she cuts herself off. you feel her shake her head against the side of your neck. she gently tightens her grip around you, and you simply let her, too weak to really return the embrace or offer your confidences that you were fine. it comes back in waves, what had happened - the Citadel exploding, the G-Man, the Vortigaunt's intrusion of the G-Man's doings. it all flashes into a blankness from there.

you stay like that for a while - you on your ass, Alyx wrapped around you, D0G more than content to watch over you like a robotic Gargoyle, but then the crumpled Citadel groans, and the sky suddenly pulses with something, and Alyx flinches at the disturbance. she does another little sigh, then gives you one final squeeze that makes your ribs sting, and she pulls away to look you in the eye. she smiles, though it doesn't quite reach her eyes, and she reaches out to adjust your glasses so they're sitting right. you're so out of it, you don't even flinch away.

'I know you're hurt, but we gotta get a move on and get the hell out of here before the Citadel blows. think you can stand?' you nod once, and the world nauseatingly swims. she takes notice, but doesn't comment on it. Alyx stands up and moves away to give you room, and painfully slowly, you climb to your feet, shaky and uneven. your side screams, your brain begs to be let back down, your legs quiver and your arms feel like jelly, but you push through it all with gritted teeth to stand up. still, Alyx bolts to your side the second you're up, hands hovering over your thighs like you're about to topple over. you feel like, at any second, you will.

'D0G, cover his other side.' just like that, the hunk of metal is by your other side, and both of them press close to give you support. they're careful not to jostle you too much, to go slow. empathy is in their every action. 'there's a communications centre up here that I can fix so I can call Kleiner, and then we'll scoot on out of here. I promise it won't take two minutes.' you grunt in understanding. it's the only thing you can do to let her know you understand. 'I'm sorry, Gordon.' it breaks your heart. she didn't need to apologise. you feel like, if anyone should be apologising, it's you. 'I'm. I'm glad you're alright.'

you don't know how to respond, so you don't.


	5. crush motivated lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 8/9/2020  
> no real warnings in this one either, though the POV in this is real all over the place

_oh, she's pretty_ , is the first thing Alyx thinks when she takes notice of the girl, slouched on the wall across the street with her arms crossed. she can't help but stare, until the girl takes notice of Alyx and does a tiny little wave to her. absolutely flushed, Alyx waves back, looks both ways for Combine, then rushes over to her when the streets are clear, intent on saying hello. the girl looks shocked at her forwardness, but otherwise doesn't move, a nervous smile on her face.

Alyx stands beside her and blurts all kinds of things, apologising for staring and asking for her name and how long she's been in City 13 for and what her favourite colour is. the girl tilts her head, shaking it once, then points to her ears. she shrugs, before forming a "1" shape with both her index fingers. she rotates them in a circle, similar to the wheel of a bicycle, and cocks her brow in question. Alyx gapes at her, and then rubs the back of her neck, shaking her head in return. she knew _of_ sign language, but not nearly enough to hold a conversation. she apologises once more and promptly runs off, leaving the girl in a confused dust cloud.

she tells her Dad about it, and he laughs, loud and hearty, and claps her on the back with good nature. Issac peers over his work and offers his congratulations too, their smiles wide and bright. they reminisce on their old love lives, going into extreme detail on all the gross lovey dovey kissy-cuddle stuff, and she cringes and tells them to stop. she mentions that the girl is deaf and knows sign language, which makes Eli further perk up. he and Issac drop their work and spend the next two hours teaching her all the basics of sign, from finger spelling, to greetings, to questions, even if they mess it up sometimes since they're so rusty with it.

the next day, with her new knowledge of sign, Alyx finds the girl again in the same spot, and with a grin of confidence, she waves at the girl and marches over to her. she signs out 'hello, what is your name?', and the girl positively brightens. she signs excitedly, and Issac and her Dad had never gone that fast, so it takes a solid minute for her to sort out what she means.

'my names Lilly. whats yours?'

'Alyx. how old are you?'

'ten, you?'

'ten.'

it's choppy and slow, but she gets it. thankfully, Lilly seems to understand she's a learner; she's patient, redoing her signs in case Alyx frowns and takes too long to reply back. they eventually hit a point where Alyx can't understand the broader motions, but now she's more than determined to learn more, and she promises she'll be back tomorrow and bids her good night when it becomes too late to stay out.

she seeks out Barney this time, who's more than happy to teach her. she spends another two hours learning the more complex questions and answers, and after much, much pestering and begging and pleading, she's finally taught how to sign "fuck" and "shit", among a various array of other swears. Barney makes her swear that her Dad is _not_ to know where she'd been taught the swears, and she nods, laughing. she comes out of the pseudo lesson with a much broader vocabulary, thanking Barney all the while, and Barney waves her off with a 'good luck' as his parting.

she returns to the same spot the next day, delighted to find Lilly still there. they're lucky that the Combine had barely surveyed that part of the area; maybe that's why Lilly liked it there so much. they go into much broader discussions, and Alyx could hold a topic for far longer than yesterday, but she still struggles with some signs, and now Lilly throws out signs that she outright does not understand. still, the advancements had been good, their progress a thorough speedup, and Alyx knows far more about Lilly than she did the first two times they'd spoken. her crush grows with every backstory and opinion and interest she learns. 

she's real smart, and knows a lot about what the old world looked like, even though she never really lived in it. she's funny, her jokes straight to the point, and they always make Alyx smile. she likes the water flavoured bars over the Headcrab stews, and when she plays "Cascade" with the other kids, she always gets to play as Gordon Freeman. she says she has the crowbar and everything. Alyx is positively smitten.

they say their goodbyes for the night and leave, and Alyx goes right back to her Dad to report on her progress. he's happy and proud, but swamped with work, so sudden it caught him off guard, and no matter how much Alyx asks, he can't pause to help her with more signing lessons. Issac and Barney seem to be on a heavy work duty too, exhausted and, in Barney's case, withdrawn. he has to spend more time at work than usual, she guessed. it makes her nervous - the lack of Combine in their area, how heavy their work had grown over the few hours, how much her little family seem to be diving head first into papers and tests and dreads and horrors. something is happening, but she doesn't know what, and no one is telling her, and it stresses her out.

so she goes to D0G. she talks to him in low tones; about Lilly, about her concerns of the Combine and her family, about sign language. and then she thinks of a plan, so brilliant it almost knocks her clean off her feet.

why not teach D0G sign?

it takes about half a day to construct a chip with all her knowledge of sign programmed onto it, but the second she inserts it into D0G, she notices a glaring problem straight away; D0G doesn't have fingers. his hands were flat metal hooves primarily used for running, and there was no way D0G could sign with just his arms alone, and since she was within the central of City 13, she couldn't pop to the junkyard to scavenge for easy parts. but if anything, she was flexible. it's a minor set back with an easy work around.

after she'd spoken to Lilly for the day, she goes straight to Issac's lab to hunt for bits and pieces of junk that hadn't seen the light of day in years, and soon she has a half full basket of metal pipes and jagged beams. she asked Issac and her Dad if any of the pipes were needed, and at the shakes of their preoccupied heads, she collected up various tools and rushed straight back to D0G to begin her work.

something bad happened, between the hours of her removing D0G's hooves to replace them for half pronged hands, to her napping against D0G's side. the pair hadn't heard a thing, the Combine quick and silent, and once Alyx woke up, she started up her work again, none the wiser to the destruction taking place down the road. between those times, she hadn't seen Issac nor her Dad, only sticking with D0G.

with D0G's new hands finished and tested for sign language, Alyx felt pride swell in her heart. it wasn't the greatest works of construction - on one hand, he had three fingers, while the other only had two, so his finger spelling wasn't top notch, but he could still sign words just as good, even if it was awkward. plus, he could still move around, a lot better than before. they could hold conversations, since they both had the same amount of practise, but she wanted to know more. if she knew more, she could program D0G to know more, and soon, if she asked her family for long enough, they'd have the entire language down to pat. they could talk about Judith right in front of her and she'd be none the wiser. maybe. did Judith know sign? she'd have to ask her Dad.

she asked D0G to sign the word "fuck". DOG signed the word "fuck" with a delighted little wiggle that had Alyx giggle up a storm.

she goes back to Lilly's spot the next day, at the usual time they'd started to meet. she hadn't gained any more insight on the Combine situation, everyone still busy with something or other. and today, Lilly wasn't there. in fact, the streets seemed far more empty with people and far more full with Combine. it makes her guts squirm.

a static-y voice snaps behind her, and a hand is wrapped around her upper arm, tugging her backwards. she tenses, ready for fight or flight, her hand dipping to her holster for the knife- 'blue code' they hiss in a much lower, kinder voice, and all the tenseness leaves her. she goes willingly, until the street is shrouded in shadows, and she's back in the same ally she'd come from. once they stop moving, she rounds on her heel to stare up at the gas eyed mask.

Barney, not taking the mask off, demands to know why she's out and about. she responds with the cock of a brow, clearly confused, and even through the mask, she can sense Barney's dawning horror. he quickly explains that there's a sweep happening, completely out of the blue and unannounced to the citizens; a round up of anyone and everyone hanging around the streets, and they're all being sent off on Razor Trains to Nova. her heart just about sinks, her blood running cold, mind snapping back to Lilly's empty spot. Barney tells her that for right now, it's best to stay inside and to give it a few days, and he gives her a heavy apology for not warning her sooner. not that it's his fault - she hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since their lesson, and neither Issac nor her Dad had mentioned anything before. then again, they'd been so preoccupied with their studies that, half the time, they hadn't even noticed her being in the room unless she'd specifically called for them.

she asks what she can do to help, he says to go and warn as many people as possible within the apartment she's staying in and to not go out on the streets. she nods, and they part ways. the second she returns to Issac's lab, her Dad practically throws himself at her, wrapping her up into a tight hug that speaks volumes of his anxiety and stress. he babbles about the sweep, about the round-ups, and then he smacks his forehead for forgetting to warn her. he checks her over, kisses her cheek, and squishes her against him again. Issac, too, is full of relief and remorse, and all three of them slump to the floor in a three-way hug that leaves her both warm and cold.

when they finish up at the lab, the sneak back to their apartment is tense. everyone in the building knows by that point about the Combine's antics, but Alyx can tell that the number of civilians within has gone down. there's no sign of Mark, or Antonio, or Linda, or Jex. Sandy failed to be at the vending machine at 9PM, and she _never_ missed the vending machine drop. Sam didn't stop by their room, and they _never_ missed their stop. it made her sad.

it took three full days before Barney returned to their apartment to give them the all clear. he was dead on his feet, deep bags under his eyes and a heavy kind of regret in his gaze, and he's got a lot to report back to her Dad about, but he's happy to see that they're all alright. Alyx jumps at his chest while her Dad and Issac give him pats on the back. D0G, too, chirps at his arrival. all of them collapse onto the couch, which quickly becomes cramped, D0G laid at everyone's feet, and they take a small nap together for a few hours. it's not exactly comfy, but the company was nice. it wasn't often they could stay in the same room together for a period longer than an hour.

as it turns out, Lilly was one of the many people that had been caught by the Combine. Alyx realises this pretty much in the first second of seeing the spot still blank the next day. the street is vacant of Combine's again, so at least that's a plus. it absolutely crushes her, but she still makes good on her own promise, and now that her family aren't as swamped with threats, they have more time to teach her more signs. those signs are then added to D0G's chip, until it's bursting with a 95% completion. it's more than helpful - they could have conversations when quiet was needed (though D0G was real squeaky, even with the amount of oil Alyx piled him up with), and everyone else in her family understood D0G enough to talk back with him.

she hoped that no one else she loved was sent to Nova Prospect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based off that one trivia thing where Alyx learned sign over a crush. I forgot where I heard it from but it's very good  
> this would have happened in City 11. every single City has a junkyard somewhere within it, and where ever the junkyard is is where Eli sets up his temporary labs  
> D0G is still shorter than Alyx here - imagine he's the same type of build as a Jockey in L4D 3gdfshgv that's the best way I can describe it  
> the "1-bicycle-circle" is sign for "ASL". if I got that wrong, please let me know!


	6. Otis did what?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 5/9/2020  
> no warnings for this

'what?! no way he said that!'

'he sure fucking did, right in front of the entire Security Team.'

'what!!! that is so fucking rude, where does he get off on saying shit like that?'

'beats me, but it sure was a sight after he left.'

'I bet it was!' Barney chuckled, his signs just as lazy as his grin. he shakes his head and leans all the way back in his chair.

'man, you should've heard Otis lay into that guy once he was done saying his shit speech, though. I don't think I've _ever_ seen that man get that mad before, not even over a soda stuck in the machine.'

' _Otis_ snapped at him?' Barney nodded, and Gordon whistled, his brows touching his hairline. Barney giggled at his shock. 'but none of that was even aimed at him!'

'now what are you two gabbin' about?' Eli rocked up to the scene, a steaming hot cup of coffee in one hand and a strawberry frosted donut in the other. he looked between the two signers with a soft smile, and he was quickly filled in by the both of them about the latest happenings, their signs overlapping with the same excited motions. his eyes widened once they'd finished their story, half of his donut gone. 'oh shit, y'all got into a fight with Magnusson?'

'I didn't, and Barney didn't start it neither.' Gordon signed with a furrowed brow. 'that guy just loves sticking his nose into stuff it doesn't belong in.' Eli hummed at that, and took a long pull from his coffee, ignoring the harsh sting of the heat. he slumped down in the free chair beside Barney, finishing off his donut in a single bite.

'he's too stuck up.' Barney supplied with a light shrug at the end. 'and he seemed mighty shell shocked when Otis gave him an ear full after he was done ripping into me.' the sound of Eli almost choking on his drink made them swivel their heads around to face Eli, concern in their gazes as Eli coughed and cleared his throat.

' _Otis_?!'

'called him a stuck up fancy pants and everything.' Barney's hands shook with laughter. Eli's face cracked into a wide grin, and he raised his cup into the air with a woop of joyous laughter. 

'good for him! 'bout time someone stood up to him, and Praise the Lord, it was Otis, of all people!'

'God bless.' Gordon easily agreed, Barney nodding along. 'you owe him, like, at _least_ four beers after that.'

'oh! greetings! what are you fellows celebrating about?' Issac asked, taking a seat beside Gordon with a mug of tea in hand. he took a cautious sip just as Barney began to sign the story over.

'Magnusson gave me shit over nothing, and then Otis gave Magnusson shit, and he went in _hard_.' Issac almost choked on his tea, and the entire table was sent into a new wave of hysterics, loud and quiet huffs of laughter filling the air.

'Otis?!'

'I knew he wasn't a pushover, he just needed the motivation for that bite to come out.' Gordon signed, tears in his eyes that he wiped away with a quaky hand. 

'I always suspected Otis to not have a single bad bone within his body.' Issac said once he was sure he wasn't going to drown in his tea. 

'push a man enough and he'll snap back eventually, and with the way Magnusson's goin'? he's gonna have the entire facility snappin' at his ass within the next few weeks.' Eli said, happiness and determination in his every word. Barney clapped at that.

'if someone like Otis can set that kind of example, then everyone will catch on right quick, and that's gonna be a hell of a show once it happens.' Barney signed, the grin never leaving his face.

'hear, hear.' Gordon agreed, heavily leaning onto the table. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that Barney signed a lot at Black Mesa since he never speaks in Blue Shift


	7. loves at first sight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 3/9/2020  
> no warnings for this

he's struck.

'well hey there! you must be Doctor Freeman! man, Klenier 'n' Vance have been chewin' my ears off all week about you!'

handsome. rugged. dorky. adorable. easy on the eyes, a lazy, warm smile, soft looking hair- _oh. he's giving me an odd, polite look. there you go again, Gordon, being a fucking weirdo. keep it together man, it's your first day on the job for Christs sake, don't go making enemies on the first day on the job!_

'hello.' he signs, flustered and embarrassed. he's probably red in the face, probably wide eyed, probably looking like a teen instead of a graduated MIT student. the man chuckles, a soft sound that makes all kinds of butterflies explode in his stomach. wonderful. perfect. he wants to hear more of that laughter.

'hello!' he signs right back, eyes bright and full of life, and his heart just about stops dead. 'my name is Calhoun.' his signs are perfect and precise, not a single stutter in his motions. 'I can help ya around, if you'd like. an awful big place; you can get lost real easily here. hell, I've been here for three years and I still don't know my way around sector C half the time!' Calhoun said with his voice this time, hands on his hips. he nods, because he's still dumbstruck, and Calhoun grins big and wide. his entire insides feel like jelly. 'cool! c'mon, we can head to the canteen first, since that's, like, _the_ most important place here.' he nods along, and before he knows it, he's being directed in the direction of the canteen.

he can't wipe the dumb, stupid blush off his face.

* * *

he's struck, and in an entirely different way than being stun sticked at least four times into unconsciousness.

'Gordon Freeman, I presume?'

handsome. rugged. dorky. adorable. easy on the eyes, a bright, warm smile, soft looking hair- oh. she's ushering him to his feet, her gaze pulled in worry, and she gives him a check over with her eyes alone. _Jesus Christ, there you go again, being a gigantic weirdo. the lady saves your life and you already loose track of your manners? get it together, man_.

'c'mon, we don't have much time - they won't stay down for long.' she gives him a weird, polite look, even when he doesn't move from his spot and continues to stare at her. he's probably red in the face, probably wide eyed, probably looking more like a teen than a. than. did MIT graduates even exist in this time? 

'hello.' he signs instead, flustered and shaky, and it's all déjà vu from the last few hundred times he'd done this exact same thing. the lady grins again, and it was just as wonderful as the first time he'd seen it. butterflies explode in his stomach that flutter everywhere and anywhere. he wants to see that grin all the time. wonderful.

'hello to you too!' she signs back just as fluently, her eyes sparkling with wonder and life. it almost makes him fall over flat. he hoped that was from the initial shocks and not him being dumb. 'my name is Alyx Vance, but you can call me Alyx. it's nice to finally meet you!' she doesn't falter, or stumble, her hands swift and precise. yeah, he's about to fall clean over. 'okay Gordon, we seriously gotta get going, but we can talk more on the way, okay?' she says, and he nods, and the next thing he knows, he's being tugged along, through a door and down a set of stairs.

he can't wipe the stupid, dumb blush off his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Gordon is a lovestruck dummy that easily falls in love with anyone and everyone


	8. now where did he get to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 1/9/2020  
> blood, both human and alien type, a head injury, guns, kinda-graphic-but-not-really detail of a Headcrab death/a Headcrab getting shot  
> I thought I'd written more than this! I guess I'm all caught up

the atmosphere was easy and light, their tones joyful and unguarded, laughter carelessly filling the air. they were safe in the small building, having claimed it as their own pretty much from the day they'd found it; they had cleaned it, modified it, crafted it into their own little space, away from the dangers and leering eyes of the outside world, until they could comfortably call it a part of their home. it had taken much work over the months to perfect the space - a lot of tip toeing and careful back-and-forth's to really clean and decorate the little interior with knick-knacks and framed photos and ties back to their old lives - but finally, it was the groups for the keeping. 

they had earned it. they had gone for years without a safe hideout; years of fearing that, at any turn, they could be found out. now, they wouldn't have to live in that fear. they had made the collective effort to make sure that nothing bad could ever happen in that one specific place.

and then, there was a humongous clatter from their left sides, of crates being barraged over, so startlingly loud that it ripped through the air like a thunder strike. all eyes snapped toward the noise, and before anyone knew what was happening, a blur of brown launched itself from the wreckage with a terrible squeal. there was a collection of swears and a yelp, and suddenly, a Headcrab had latched itself to the top of Barney's head, its talons and teeth quickly sinking passed his hair and into his scalp. Barney clawed and clawed and clawed at it, screaming the entire time, but he couldn't get a good grip on it, and with every second he spent scrambling to get it off, the further it dug in, easily puncturing his skin, getting closer and closer to hitting his brain. all sorts of thoughts flew though Barney's mind - what his final words were, who his corpse would attack first, who would kill him first. fear was a rock lodged in the pit of his stomach, because he _couldn't get it off_.

this was the end for Barney Calhoun.

then the Headcrab was ripped off in one fell swoop, its teeth dragging along his scalp and a talon scraping the left side of his temple to leave behind a terrible sting, and his everything was left aching. blood gushed down from his sliced open wounds, and he crumpled to the floor in a heaving heap, white flashing behind tightly closed eyes. he curled up into a fetal position, arms looping around his head in an attempt to protect himself, and he paid no attention to the outside world, wheezing heavy breaths, trying his best to calm down.

'Barney!' Issac was knelled beside him in an instant, hands gripping his shoulders. Barney let out a meek whimper and further curled into himself.

the hands left his shoulders, and he barely heard the scuffles and squeals as shoes and a nasty Headcrab were manoeuvred away from him, before a humming silence finally reigned down upon the scene. it felt like hours later before he shakily moved to peer up, gulping in huge, controlled breaths, until his chest didn't feel like it was about to cave in anymore. he wiped at his forehead, and the back of his glove came back shiny, a mixture of Headcrab drool and his own blood.

he could have died. he could have been turned into a zombie. his life could have ended, right then and there, because he'd thought the area had been safe and secure. not again. never, ever again. he was _never_ going to let his guard down again.

'-did it even come from?' he tuned in to the voice of Eli, high pitched and full of concern. 'we've swept this lab four times over and cleaned every inch of it _five_ times; where in the _hell_ was that thing hiding?'

'I'm not certain.' Issac responded, and Barney saw their signature stances - of their forefinger and thumb stroking their chins in thought - as they studied the violently shaking cat basket sat in front of them. it rocked from side to side, all kinds of gurgles and growls coming from it that had Barney's heart shiver. 'perhaps there is an undiscovered air duct here? I'm still not entirely familiar with this buildings layout yet-'

'where there's one, there's more. we gotta give this place another good sweep again, maybe pack a few controlled fires into all the vents for good measure. that was _way_ too close.' Eli turned to Barney, eyes wide and full of panic, yet they softened when they saw that he was at least lucid. 'hey son, c'mon, lets get you off that floor.' Eli extended a hand, and Barney clapped them together, and he was hefted onto his quaky legs. Barney didn't release their hands even when he was stood comfortably on his own. 'how'er you feelin'?'

'l-like shit.' he rubbed his head, a migraine mercilessly thumping behind his skull. 'it was. E-Eli, it was on my _head_.'

'and you are most certainly lucky! another second, and you could have tu-'

'now I'm sure he doesn't need to hear that, Izzy.' Eli let go of his hand, then wrapped an arm around Barney's shoulders and drew him close. Barney accepted the comfort greedily, sinking into Eli's side without hesitation. he looked from Eli to Issac, trying to keep his breathing under control. he scratched at the inflamed skin, quickly growing irritated because of his gloves, only managing to drag blood further across his face.

'is it d-dead? did you kill it?' he was met with empty air, safe for the not-too-far scuttling sound that he was very quickly detesting. he straightened in Eli's hold, though didn't pull away. 'y'all, pl-please. I need to know, _right_ now, for my mental state. did. you. _kill_ it.' he already knew the answer to the question, even if he desperately wished he was wrong

'... well.' Barney's head whipped toward Issac in a way that made the room spin, his glare made threatening with the streaks of blood streaking beside his eyes and across his forehead. Issac visibly flinched away and clasped his hands together, almost hiding behind Eli, looking the perfect image of a kicked puppy. 'n-now, there is no such need for vile looks! this could be a major leap in the biological research of Xen creatures!'

'now Doc, do forgive me for my harsh tone here, but if you even _think_ about keepin' that thing as a pet? I'll fucking kill you myself.'

'but think of the studies we could do! we could find out why Headcrab's search out humans as their main source of hosts, and if we could combat it by constructing another host source! we could examine if they have healing properties, or if they can be edible, or-'

'do you even hear what the _fuck_ you're sayin'?' he was lightly jostled by Eli, which did not help with the headache. 

'come on, we better get that head looked at before it gets infected.' he was tugged away from the scene and into the makeshift HEV room, but not without Eli drawing his SMG first, just in case. he left Barney leaned against the doorway and checked the room over, toeing at crates with his peg-leg and giving the air-vents a few knocks, and it was only when he was positive that nothing would leap out at them that he pulled Barney in and set him down on a stool. 

an hour later, with a cleaned up, bandaged head, Eli and Barney left the adjoining room to find that Issac had, somehow, already debeaked the Headcrab. the beaks - two tiny pincers and a literal ring of teeth, all from its bottom - sat in a bloody green mess on the table, and it almost made Barney puke right then and there. the Headcrab itself was sound asleep in the cat basket, it making little snoots as it snoozed away. Eli was disgusted with the sight, but he was curious about it all the same, his inner scientist screaming to have a peek at the Headcrab.

'you're out of your fucking mind.' was all Barney said with a mean scowl, uncaring in his vileness.

'I am doing this for the greater good, Barney.' and Issac actually sounded determined. like he'd make a big breakthrough with this Headcrab. 'all he needs is to get comfortable around here so he doesn't scamper off!' 

'Alyx is _not_ coming here until you're sure that that thing isn't dangerous.' Issac nodded furiously at Eli's strict tone. Barney gaped at Eli with a betrayed look.

'you're seriously not agreein' that he _keep_ that thing-'

'absolutely! I will train him precariously; I am 100% certain that the internal beaks and teeth are the main focal point of killing the brain, so with those removed, the only damage he can cause is wet hair!'

'and what if it ain't? what if it's something else that turns a person into a zombie? what if, I come in here one day, and I gotta put you down, 'cause you decided to put your trust into a god damn four legged alien head-humpin' _turkey_?!'

'it will _not_ come to that! I have studied these creatures since they were first conceived on this world, and I _never_ doubt my own hypothesis. nor my gut, for that matter!' Barney bit his tongue and just about managed to hold back his fire. bringing back old wounds for the sake of bitterness would help nobody. 'rest assured, my dear friends; this will be a wonderful adventure into the constructs of Headcrab anatomy. we now have a live, close quarters study! with functioning _insides_! this is an endless possibility into the world of science!'

and no one said anything else to that.

a day had passed since then. Issac had named the Headcrab "Bottles", and had done nothing but coo over it all day. Bottles had tried to mount their heads all day as well, much to the dismay of Barney and Eli. Eli had called up his lab to tell Alyx that he had to stay for a bit longer, though he didn't exactly specify on the reason, only saying that he had more work than usual. she'd asked when Eli would be returning home, and he said he wasn't sure. Judith promised that everything was running smoothly, but Alyx had contradicted that with 'when Dad's not home, nothing ever runs smoothly!' that had Barney fist bump the screen when Judith hadn't been looking.

it was a full week later before the catastrophic happened.

multiple studies into the Headcrab - from the insertion methods of the beaks and jaw, to the chemicals within a Headcrab's living body, to a large graph of possibilities on what made a human become a puppet under a Headcrab's implant - had been filed up by Eli and Issac's countless hours of work. it had all felt like Black Mesa again, if only for a split second, their pristine white labs and unexplainable crystals replaced for industrial steel and a creature from literal space.

during their break, well into the yawn of 3AM, Barney had stopped by, numb and dead on his feet. he'd trudged his way to the HEV room, where all of their spare weapons were stored, to dispose of his own secret firearms for the day.

there were seconds of peace, before a loud yelp of terror, a crash, a squeal, and the loud _pop pop pop_ of a discharging pistol.

Eli got there first, his SMG drawn, in full battle mode. Barney had pressed himself flat against the left side of the room, his arm held out with a smoking pistol tightly gripped in a shaking hand, desperately panting for air. on the right side of the room lay Bottles, three clean holes punctured through his body, a splash of green blood and bullet holes left over on the opposite wall. Barney didn't even acknowledge Eli nor Issac's appearances as he fought for control over his body, not wanting the panic attack to win. once he was sure he wouldn't spiral, and he knew for a fact that he was now safe, he slid down the wall and fell into a heap, the gun lifelessly thumping against the floor as he wrapped his arms around his legs to hug them close to his chest.

Issac yelled something, but there was too much white noise in Barney's heads to hear the words. Eli knelled by his side, a hand on his shoulder, but he barely felt it. he did nothing but look at the smoking Headcrab in a blind glare, the event on a constant replay in his mind. the sight of its outstretched talons, the eternal darkness of its exposed bottom, the threat that he could have become a lifeless puppet right then and there-

'it jumped at me.' his voice shook, and it cut off whatever Issac was ranting about. a gloved hand flew to his recovered head where the new scar lay, subconsciously gripping his left side in a painfully tight grip. 'it-it jumped at me and, and it landed on my head and I, I thought I was, I thought I was gonna die, so I ripped it off-off and, and then I shot it, and-'

'deep breaths, Barnes.' whatever Issac was about to snap was cut off by a curt look from Eli. 'lets get you on outta here, okay? I'm sure I can remember how to make some tea, even if it'll taste like shit.' Barney was pulled to his feet, and he only barely managed to stand on his own. the pair brushed passed Issac, who was left staring at the dead, stinking body of Bottles.

  
  
it's years and years down the line, after moving over four cities and finally settling in City 17, that Issac called up Eli's brand new laboratory with a maniacal, wide grin and impossibly bright, wide eyes. he glared through the snow of the screen, straight into Eli's soul, and Eli saw nothing but a scientist well within his element. Alyx peered over his shoulder, brows raised in question at his expression, and she instantly morphed into worry.

'Eli, I've done it!!! I've figured out how to entrap and safely capture a Headcrab!!! it only worked once, but once was all I needed!!! she is fully debeaked, and is officially on the stage of domestication!!! in fact, I could safely say that she is already at the domestication stage!!!' all Eli could do was stare. Alyx, too, stared with the same amount of shock, though for an entirely different reason.

'Izzy, don't you remember what happened the _last_ time you tried to keep a Headcrab as a pet?'

'and it will not happen again! I will make sure of it; Lamarr is to be the most well behaved Headcrab of our generation! she has been here for over two weeks now, and there have been no major incidents thus far; well, other than a wet head and a displaced room, that is!!!' 

'Eli.' Barney appeared from miles away behind Issac, and when he frowned harder at the screen, he spotted the body of (what he hoped) was Lamarr, huffing away on top of a locker, her body ominously pointed in Barney's direction. Barney looked like he was in physical pain as he said, practically begged, 'please, for the love of God, help me.'

'whoa whoa wait wait wait, back up a sec; _what_???' Alyx shoved passed Eli to get a better look at the fuzzy outline of the Headcrab, her brows twisted, a wide, excited grin on her face as she slotted the pieces together. 'you tried to keep a Headcrab as a pet _before_??? and none of you _told_ me about it?!'

Eli heaved the kind of sigh a person should do only once in their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the Headcrab was originally gonna be named "Potter", but I changed it  
> I like to think this happened in like, City 11 or something. this would have been their second transfer, four transfers away from settling in 17, so maybe Alyx would have been ten?  
> I think Barney wouldn't like Judith much either, since he knew of her from Black Mesa through what Gordon probably told him about her, since she'd wanted to work/test in the HEV suit too  
> *BIG THING I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION* I know the BAREST scraps about the game Half Life: Alyx. like, the Barest. I have not watched a full playthrough of that game yet. no attention span pensive


	9. an unserious shadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 18/9/2020  
> no warnings for this one

'Judith! did you hear?!'

'hear? about what?'

'Barney got a spot in the Combine!' she felt herself stiffen, though a smile graced her features regardless.

'really? whatever for? I thought being near that place was the last thing he'd ever want to do.'

'he's gonna be acting as our Spy, gettin' us information on how them bastards operate, and what their plans are! isn't that _great_?!' every single nerve within her body cringed at the news, though she didn't let a single emotion show. instead, she clasped her hands and forced out a laugh, bowing in what she hoped was elation and not worry.

'that's- of course! goodness, what a bold thing to do - going up the ranks to learn more about their formations and what-not.'

'oh heavens no, he's only gonna stay in the Police rank, right here in City 9. if he's in a rank further out than that, then it'll be way harder to get him safely back here for reports, and we do _not_ want to risk that. not at the stage we're in.' she nodded along, sympathetic and understanding, her heart a thrum of nervous activity. 'but this - this is _exactly_ what we need. with an inside source, we can know what they're going to do, and plan for it. this is the exact kind of step we need.' Eli was positively beaming. she had never seen him so happy since Alyx spoke her first words. 

'but wouldn't it be dangerous? it does seem like such a humongous risk to take, plus, from what I've heard, the CP unit doesn't exactly give out the best mental health.'

'we have spoken at length about everything, and he's assured me that he wants to do this. I trust him. he can handle himself - and hey, if he can't, then we're always a knock away.' and Judith nodded again, her smile still stitched in place.

they got on to talking about other things - teleporter progress, how the leg was feeling, how were you holding up - before bidding each other good nights and heading off on their way. she jotted everything down in her notebook for memories sake about the conversation, then slipped off into undreaming sleep.

* * *

'so Calhoun! I hear you secured yourself a place within the Metric! that's very brave of you.' Barney stared at her, dumbfounded, before the mask easily fell into place. he squared his shoulders and stood straighter, but since Judith was taller, it didn't really make a lick of difference.

'sure did, Ma'am, but it's ah, rather sensitive information, if yer' be catchin' my drift.' she couldn't say that she was shocked at his coldness, but it still irritated her anyway. she recoiled away, the essence of offended, a hand flying to her chest.

'what- do you not trust me? I'm sure a weeks worth of work is nothing to gossip about!'

'ah, it ain't that, but. eh.' he shrugged. it wasn't exactly helpful. 'I'm still finding out the tricks of that Hell for myself, so I ain't in a position to outright talk about it yet, y'know? but uh, thanks for the celebration, I guess, ah shit, would'che just look at the time - I'm late for Alyx' tea party! sorry Miss Mossman, I'll catch ya later!' just like that, he was off, faster than the Road Runner. once he was out of sight, she huffed. 

trust Barney to know better.

* * *

she'd decided to do research in her off time. who the new recruits within the Metric were, who's performances were brand new and who's performances were old shots, where each rank was situated within City 9. the Metric Police were very anonymous in their biddings - no records of names, no ID's of faces before they put on the mask, only records of their arrest rates, kill rates, weapon ranks. the slew of uncoordinated information was confusing - some Coppers had ranked up the boards within three weeks, from Stun Sticks to SMG's, while others had taken four months to even be granted access to a Pistol. she couldn't even guess which one was Barney, the hive mind so similar to each other that it made an estimated guess outright impossible.

Barney had worked there for just over four weeks, yet the newest entry she could find was someone being granted Pistol access at seven weeks. she couldn't wrap her head around it - how had he managed to not only by-pass the system, but also change it? were the Combine that unbothered in protecting their electrical equipment, or were the systems really that easy to hack? 

...

hack.

suddenly it all made perfect sense.

* * *

'Calhoun ... now why does that name strike such a particular chord?'

'he was a security member back at Black Mesa, I believe.' silence rang through the radio, before slow, quiet chuckles bubbled through, that quickly morphed into full blown cackles. his howls were so loud, she had to frantically dial the knob down so his voice didn't echo down the halls and attract unwanted attention. she stared, incredulous, at the little radio, impatiently waiting for him to finish.

'Barney Calhoun?! that bumbling fool from Blue Shift?!' another howl, far more ugly than the first. it came out static-y and garbled, sounding more like a nightmare than a sound from a man. she supposed the comparison fit him perfectly. 'my dear, there is absolutely nothing to worry about, that man-' he broke off into another half chuckle. 'he couldn't tell the difference between threat and superstition. why, I'm utterly surprised he managed to keep his job at Black Mesa in the first place! the fact he liked hanging around with Doctor Freeman at all should be more than enough to see his incompetence, and to be left with such an important task! he will be found within a matter of weeks without my intrusion, no doubts about it.'

'Doctor, with all due respect, shouldn't you at _least_ see into it?'

'and for what? such an act would waste time and resources. it is simply not needed; if he wants to try and play saviour to a dying cause, then let him have it. we shall simply await from the side-lines.' she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. 'there is nothing to fret over, Doctor Mossman. Calhoun was a nobody at Black Mesa, and he will continue to be a nobody here.'

'you underestimate him.' was all she said to the black box.

'and you don't trust me.' she bit her tongue. 

'it's. not that I don't trust you, Doctor, it's just that I think caution is needed.' he hummed at that.

'I, _suppose_ , that's fair. ... how about this.' there was silence for dramatic effect that she didn't much appreciate. 'to alleviate your concerns, I shall keep as close an eye on the Metric Police department as I can. if I see a single piece of suspicious activity, I shall remove that person and send them over to Nova Prospect to. _elevate,_ their position. how does that sound?' _pretty bad, actually_.

'I suppose that's good enough.'

'again, Doctor Mossman, there is absolutely no need for concern. what's the worst Calhoun could do? spark a revolution and kick start a mini war? the man couldn't even climb through vents without causing a grand scale racket, let alone that he was climbing through vents in the first place.' she tried not to bite. she just about managed to hold it back. sometimes, it was a chore to work with Dr Breen. they cut their call and went about with their duties.

she couldn't understand why he couldn't just order a line up and rip the masks off, one by one, to see who lay under them. finding Calhoun out that way would be far easier than waiting to see what kind of damage he could inflict, what kind of information he brought back. _if I were in charge, things would be run better_ , she thinks bitterly.

* * *

three people within a month had had their masks ripped off. none of them were Calhoun. one more was sent over to a small scale Nova anyway, in what she guessed was a threat. all the actions did was make Calhoun be extra careful. no suspicious activity was reported in, no Combine acted out of line, yet she could tell that more and more civilians were disappearing from the City. she couldn't say why she felt such a way, she could just tell. every time she reported back to Dr Breen, every single claim was either disputed or ignored. nothing ever came of her reports, instead told to focus on the advancements of Issac and Eli's teleporters. 

through out all six of their transfers, Calhoun had managed to score a place within the Metric Police Department every single time. he never did excellent enough to rank up, but he never did terrible enough to turn heads. just good enough. 

no matter how many times she hinted, or down right asked, Dr Breen would never file enough interest into her claims to warrant a full check up of the Metric Police. the longer Calhoun stayed within the Combine, the more insight the group gained; they learned about their hot spots, their weapons, the true evils they conducted, about the growth of Nova Prospect, what happened to you when you resisted, what kind of monster you were turned in to. once they'd hit City 13, he had seen it all. he barely spoke to her about any of it, let alone spoke to her at all, avoiding her at any and all costs. Alyx maintained her distance, usually wanting to do her own check-up's on the electronics they were pitched to work together with rather than let Judith do it herself, which made tampering a much harder job. even Issac didn't much bother with her, nor did he feign trust in her to help out around his lab unsupervised; it was only Eli that seemed to see her.

it was as if they already knew what she was, and their way of dealing with her wasn't to banish her, or call her out, but keep her there and then outright ignore her presence all together. keep her there, and then pretend to see nothing but empty air.

and that was the worst feeling in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place in City 11  
> Breen strikes me as a very arrogant, self righteous, God-complex stuck up prick that, after the Seven Hour War, wouldn't have taken things like this very seriously. the fact that Barney was still in the Combine while Judith knew about it tells me that he didn't really care/probably forgot about Barney all together  
> Russel hacked the Combine information to edit Barney's file, but Judith thinks Alyx did it! I dunno a lot about that guy other than he's into computers and he downloaded the entire internet but he seems real cool
> 
> y'all know I'm talking out of my ass right 3hgdsghv3bhjsdf  
> OH YEAH SORRY THIS IS SO LONG but I made a new tumblr with all my SFM'S n shit on it!!! it's "germs-bitsandbobs" and it's all VERY neat and full of old stuff! self plug pog


	10. are we here yet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started: 21/9/2020  
> no warnings other than spoilers for the ending of Opposing Force

he fought the big alien thing. it was anti-climatic, really. he wasn't even sure what happened to it - it didn't explode into gory chunks, nor did it slump to the ground, it just started to. disappear? dither away? crawl back into the portal? whatever it did, he didn't get the chance to see it, because suddenly there was a bright green flash, and then he was back in the chopper, away from the alien and the crumbling facility, sent straight back to when it all started.

a man stood in front of him, but, no, that wasn't a man. it _looked_ like a man, and it _talked_ like a man, and it _acted_ like a man, but it _wasn't_. and, really, he wouldn't be surprised if it was an alien with the appearance of a man, because in the passed 12 hours, he had seen so much outrageous shit that he wouldn't doubt that claim at all.

it talked about something - loose ends, Black Mesa, its employers having an interest in him, how he would go somewhere where he could do no harm. they were teleported through three incoherent places before landing in an eternal darkness, where the thing walked off without a real goodbye into a green portal, leaving him behind in the chopper. it was unbearably dark after it left. for some reason, his night vision was failing. he couldn't move. he heard nothing but the warbles and crackles of. of space? machinery? nature? he wasn't sure what it was, where he was, what had happened, what was going to happen now.

one second, he was within the confines of Black Mesa, fighting off secret agents and aliens alike, packed to the brim with high scale and downright disturbing weapons. the next, he's lounging back in the chopper that had carried him there, weaponless, alone, trapped in a world he did not recognize, left with the barest hints of what his future would now entail.

soon, he was able to move. only in small twitches - he fiddled with his gloves, his vest, his gas-mask, the laces of his boots, back to his gloves, his vest, his gas-mask; keeping up a steady rhythm even without his sight. how long had it been since he'd been sent there? an hour? maybe two? was it twenty minutes ago, or twenty hours? 

it was like he was suspended in water. he couldn't exactly move properly - couldn't stand up, couldn't pace about; he couldn't even feel his legs. he simply sits, hands tightly clasped, fiddling, clasped, fiddling, waiting for something to happen.

something does happen, eventually. there's no way to tell how much time had passed since Black Mesa and now, but there's another green flash, and the darkness of the chopper changes into bright, sterile whites and sickly suburban yellows. he spots dull metal, moving darkness outside the windows, the gross, ugly pattern of bolted in chairs, before he realises that he's inside a tram. he jolts with a start when he quickly realises that he isn't alone.

he snapped his head to the person sat in the chair next to him, where an obnoxiously bright orange and deep black metallic suit stare back. his eyes roved up to look into the suits glasses and sees stunned green eyes, and then he thought, _oh, shit, that's_ Freeman!

the both of them scramble up, and for the first time, he can feel his legs. he's on his feet in an instant, both of them reaching for weapons that aren't there, and he thinks to himself, _if I have to fistfight this guy in this stupid fucking tram in the middle of nowhere, then I will not hesitate_.

Freeman does nothing. he does nothing. they stand there, posed and ready, waiting for the other to make a move so they can defend against it, but apart from the white lines that whip passed the windows, the scene remains motionless. Freeman blinked, slowly uncoiling his shoulders, before he raised his left hand. he tracks the movement with pin point accuracy.

he takes the hand, fingers outspread, his thumb across his palm, and slowly puts it beside his ear. then he waves it off to his left. the entire time, he looked like a deer caught in headlights.

not knowing what exactly to do, he simply mimics the sign back. neither move again after that. for the first time since his relocation, he can feel an ache bite into his limbs. he wasn't sure if that was the post battle pain finally settling in, or if it was from the strain of keeping up a battle stance, but he finds it a refreshing change from the numb nothingness either way. 

his protocol had been to locate and exterminate Freeman, and then get out of Black Mesa, but this wasn't Black Mesa anymore, and he didn't exactly have a team anymore, either. and it seemed like Freeman was stuck in the same boat he was - no weapon, trapped in a tram, on a journey to nowhere within an endless void. Freeman moved his hands about again, this time with a curious, cautious expression.

'you too, huh?' and despite himself, he nodded with a gentle shrug. 

they eased back down on to the seats, still with their hackles raised, and began to talk. about the thing in the suit, about the aliens, about what happened there. who they saw, who they'd helped, who they had been able to save. the saviour numbers were low, the causality numbers high. Freeman seemed to harbour more guilt about it than he did.

they couldn't tell the time. it was made worse with the fact that, no matter how many years seemed to slug by, they didn't change. mentally, physically, they retained their age, almost as if they were in stasis. but if they were in a sort of stasis, wouldn't they be unconscious? wasn't that how it usually worked?

the scenery within the tram never changed. they weren't teleported anywhere else for a while. they simply sat inside the stationary tram, sometimes talking, sometimes napping, sometimes crying, trying not to loose their sanity as the seconds ticked on and on and on. they never took their armours off, never grew famished with hunger or dehydration. it was weird. the longer it went on, the more he started to despise it.

a flash of green. Freeman was suddenly gone from the tram. how long had it been since he'd boarded? how long had they been there? how much time had passed? was Freeman ever going to come back again? it had happened in a split second - they'd been debating about something or other, then a flash, a shocked expression on Freeman's face, and then, _poof_. gone.

just him on the endless tram ride now.

alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished Opposing! game sux! hated every second of it  
> as it goes, I heacanon Adrian as selectively mute, on the account he doesn't say anything throughout the game  
> I like to imagine that their time in stasis was like, a weird floaty disconnected feeling. time passed super slowly, but to them it'd only feel like they were there for a day  
> it's fun to think they shared the same space while in stasis. a guy who was ordered to kill a guy/the guy who's been running from the guys trying to kill him both share a tram. the rest is history  
> Adrian be like 'my day be so fine then boom. tall bitch in a suit'
> 
> OH YEAH I linked this in like, chapter 3, but here's a link to a more cohesive timeline about all the Cities and stuff, because I'd made a blunder with the timings of it and I needed to write it down anyway cause I was confusing myself: https://germs-bitsandbobs.tumblr.com/post/629946826555031552/the-timeline-for-bapoabf-because-im-stupid-and  
> pog!


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